


Moonlight

by PetrichorPerfume



Series: Amens in Amber [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Episode: s15e03 The Rupture, Idiots in Love, Inspired by Poetry, Loss of Faith, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e03 The Rupture, Quote: Angels are watching over you. (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-04 11:44:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21197123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PetrichorPerfume/pseuds/PetrichorPerfume
Summary: Dean watches Castiel walk away and laments the love they could have shared.Post Season 15 Episode 03: The Rupture.Inspired by a poem in Leonardas Andriekus' 'Amens in Amber.'





	Moonlight

**Author's Note:**

> Credit for the poem/epigraph goes to Leonardas Andriekus. 
> 
> Let me know what you think!

Excerpt of Moonlight

(from Leonardas Andriekus’ ‘Amens in Amber’)

_Sans angels_

_Sans seraphim –_

_Solitary –_

_You are pleased with our blessed wheat seedlings,_

_Your tear falls through the moonlight_

_On the caraway_

_Nor breaks there_

_Nor shatters_

_But gleams in my spirit,_

_Like moonlight._

Dean had never been a man of faith.

When he’d been a boy, things had been different. He’d a simple, singular faith. He’d listened nightly as his mother had told him that angels were watching over him, and he’d believed it with the kind of absolute, unfaltering belief that only children are capable of.

But he’d lost that faith the night of the fire. Where were the angels when his whole life was going up in flames? Where were they, as he watched his childhood, his youth, his innocence, turn to ash – to dust – overnight?

He’d prayed that night, to every angel he could name, but as dawn’s light paled the sky and the fire still burned, he learned that faith was just another word for weakness. Faith did not protect his mother against Azazel. Faith wouldn’t raise Sammy. Faith wouldn’t wash the sin from his skin; faith wouldn’t make his father’s heart any less hard.

For decades, he’d shot and slashed and stabbed and salted and burned everything evil that walked on the face of the Earth or slithered up from Hell, but Heaven?

Heaven was a fairytale, a story from his squandered youth.

Everything changed, that night in the warehouse, when Castiel had walked into his life in a shower of sparks and his soul had known him at once; but his body and his mind and his heart had been slower to accept.

His heart had been especially slow. He and Castiel waltzed around each other for years; two steps closer, three steps further. The progress they made was glacial; humanity did not come easy for Castiel, nor accepting divinity for Dean.

Forgiveness was another virtue Dean had never truly been able to put into practice. And here, now, the space between them seemed as impassable as the rift between the worlds.

Oh, he loved his wayward angel. He loved him; he did. He loved him with the fervor of a thousand suns going supernova, and he had for so long, now, that the space between them crackled with unseen electricity.

He ached to close the distance between their bodies, to say the words that had been threatening to spill out of him since the first apocalypse, but they never came; just hovered there on the tip of his tongue, the things they left unspoken ringing out louder than what they put voice to.

Their eyes met, and Dean wanted so badly to ask, “Where were you when I first needed you?”

But Castiel just watched him – watched him like he’d been watching, that night, and though the angel’s eyes were fixed on him, he was sure he’d been blinded by the weight of what they’d lost.

And when his angel spun away from him like the world spins on its axis, Dean did not speak, did not move, just watched – watched him climb the stairs, watched him turn back; watched him walk away into the savage moonlight, its light forming a halo round his head.

Dean let his eyes flutter shut, and did not pray.


End file.
